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Friday, November 17, 2006

not in the mood for capitals or certain punctuations...

i dont know that what i have, can be called "artist's block".

its not like i have a blank canvas or paper in front of me, that i stare at for hours at a time because i cant think of anything to put on it...

i guess i have the block before the block.

i cant even put the canvas or paper in front of me, so that i can then stare at it for hours at a time so I cannot have anything to put on it.

there are practical reasons, sure.

i have no space.

i am surrounded by the boxes containing my life of the last 2 years, where i lived in a 2 bedroom townhouse in alabama, all by myself. granted, i didn't buy furniture, or really lots of "things", but somehow it seems the stuff i took there reproduced and gave birth to twins, 'cause i needed two containers to come back to hell...(miami)

ok, so i am surrounded by the many of them that i feel i am suffocating every time i walk into my room (yes, im living back with my parents...and that fact deserves its own future post). i know i have to put them in storage (the boxes, not my parents)...or better yet, go through each one and really discern whether or not i need the item and either:
(a) throw it away
(b) give it to charity
(c) put it aside for the yard sale i will never have
(d) put it in a pile and burn it so that the smoke signals attract the muses...

but day after day passes (its been 5 months) and i cant do anything constructive, productive...anything uctive.

yes i'm depressed (ive mentioned this before)

but ive managed to find a job which i keep hearing is one to envy - are you kidding me? (job issue - more fodder for a future post) and aside from the usual moodiness, irritability, short fuse, desire to be swallowed by a hole in the ground...i am managing to do a good job (according to others testimonies)

ok what was my point? (i cant concentrate to save my life, either)

yes, i need to put the boxes away so i can find some space to work in my room.

but i dont do it,
because i cant do it.
i want things i cant have right now,
and by things i mean a different life.
but now is not the time.

i might have to take back the label of artist...i cannot in good conscience call myself an artist anymore, can I? i was working nonstop for those 2 years and was finally comfortable with saying "yes im an artist", without stuttering, without flinching, because i foolishly thought that that would be my routine forever...working nonstop, pleased with the work, pleased with the feelings created by the work, etc.

but now, even though its all i think about, its what i truly crave...i cant do it

nothing...well, not exactly nothing (yes, i know thats a double negative), but certainly not anything i would document and submit for an exhibition. ive been puttering around in the computer (lots of space in there) and ive been doing some "drawings?" for lack of a better descriptive. (here are a couple I will submit to a local fund raiser...they are untitled at this point)


"Maybe One Day"

when will it get better? hopefully soon.

i believe in reincarnation, but what if i'm wrong and those of you that believe in just one life are right? well then, i'm screwed and times a wastin'.

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