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Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Terrified of starting over

This particular fear is about the weight loss process.

Over two years ago I started exercising and dieting and was able to lose over 70 lbs (the biggest amount I've ever lost at once)...I was very proud of myself, I even felt more confident and sexy.

And now I've gained almost all of it back...I am disgusted with myself.

So much hard work, for nothing.

I've been "big" all my life.
I can't recall when my weight has never been an issue. How could it not be?...

from kids in school twisting my last name into Gallon (lots of liquid is an insult? well it was to me at that time)...
to the guy in charge of putting kids onto a pony at the local carnival/fair, saying to my mom in a loud voice, "she's too big to ride" and having to leave the line in front of all the other kids (and their mothers) who were snickering and giggling...
to a perfect stranger in Publix (supermarket) commenting to his girlfriend, something derrogatory about my ass. Yes I have a big ass...a Big Cuban ass...probably would have it if I was 100 lbs.
and so many countless stories...

Certain people wonder why I have so many issues.
Perhaps if I lived in a different city (Miami is the most superficial).
I wish I could pick one good reason, have something / someone specific to blame. But I can't.

I've reached this point again and I can only blame myself.

Why am I am terrified of succeeding?

What if I lose all the weight (thinking thats the only thing that will finally make me happy) and then get to that point and realize that its not the answer? That I still feel the same way?

There is also the attention from men. I have serious issues in that department, as well. When I lost that weight, I began to get a bit more attention. At that time I was oblivious to it, because I was madly in love and I had eyes for no other. But I know that the weight is a way of keeping "them" away.
Its a great big barrier, makes it so easy to feel invisible, to get lost in the crowd and not be noticed.

I knew this would be long...and that I would ramble...sorry, I'm so sleepy.

I need to start exercising again (its been almost a year since I've exercised, after 2 years of going 3-5 times a week, I could actually feel muscles for the first time in my life). Anyway, I've asked my friend to get me a pass from her gym, so I can see if it works for me. She finally got it (after a bit of prodding on my part, 'cause I'm a pain in the ass) and now I'm having a mild panic attack and don't want to do it.

I'm a big fat scaredy cat...and I need a swift kick in my big Cuban ass.

Nite Nite


East of Oregon said...

I need to exercise more too. I'll walk a mile tomorrow - will you? We can do this. It's just a mile.

Ana said...

Hi Oregon,

I wasn't able to walk a mile today, but I joined a gym and I'll be meeting my friend there Saturday morning. Tomorrow after work I have to shop for an outfit for another dreaded Holiday Party.

I appreciate the support, though and I wish you the best too. Its hard, isn't it? One of the hardest things to do.

Thanks again.

East of Oregon said...

I didn't walk a mile either. Doesn't look I will today either, it's simply too cold outside.