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Tuesday, March 6, 2007

I know, its been a while

its just hard sometimes to find the strength...for anything...let alone coming up with witty repartee or speaking about my mostly uneventful life.

but today i felt the need to share.

i really have issues. i mean, this is not a surprise...i've known for a while (about 34 of my 35 years, actually - well, not really - from what i hear i was a happy, non-worrying baby, although i also hear i had tremendous attitude already at 8-9 months old...yeah)

anyway, yes i have issues. unfortunately i fear they are issues that are beyond repair (i think i've mentioned this before). most of my issues stem from, revolve around, are connected to my weight....what a hold this has on my life!!

its easy for people to say: just do it! lose weight already! just have some self control! don't you want to get a man? (ok, the last one is just from my mother - gotta luv her)

if only it were that simple.

its deep-seated stuff, the kind that would make the best psych ologist/iatrist run for their lives (maybe i exaggerate, then again, maybe i don't).

the following happens quite frequently (unfortunately), but today it had particularly frenzied angst.

it always takes me a long time to find something in my closet that i find suitable-enough to wear in public (usually go through 3-4 different things).
once i've decided that the outfit for the day is the least offensive to the public eye, i put it on. then scrutinize in the 3 mirrors in my room (i think im the only fat chick that has such a mirror fetish - another problem, because i hate what i see in the mirror, but i can't stop looking...yeah). there must not be enough light in my room, because eventually i am ok with what i see...finish getting ready, then go downstairs to finish the daily rituals.
right before heading out the door there is a huge mirror (yes, i know). this is the one that holds me the longest, because its the last chance to decide whether or not i'll schlepp upstairs to change again or call in sick or drink some poison.
i usually realize its too late for all 3 and always exit the door so disappointed, that the drive to work is excruciating, because i am thinking of the walk from the parking lot to the office - open air, bright light = too much exposure....(i told you its a problem!)

this is horrible, absolutely horrible. and you should hear the stuff being said in my head during all this. it ain't pretty.

oh well.

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