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Thursday, November 8, 2007

i've been sitting here for 15 minutes, staring at the screen...knowing what i want to write, but not having the courage. i do need to vent however, even if its in this impersonal and public way. this isn't a cry for help, its just a need to speak my mind, which i feel i haven't been able to do in so long. i've alienated myself from many people, for different reasons, so i can't call and talk with them about this...actually i don't want to talk to any of them....not a single one.
all these thoughts are running through my head, which is so cluttered with darkness, it suffocates me. but it doesn't take away the thoughts of death that are roaming loudly in the back of my mind. it's been a constant in my mind as of late, i can't help it....there is no light anywhere around me, just occasional glimpses of gray, which provides no relief.
lately i've been considering what it would be like not to exist anymore. i've wondered what kind of relief would it be to just not wake up in the morning.

disappearing would not cause much of a dent in the long run. people forget, people move on - although i always remember my friend Marisol every time i see a butterfly, it never fails - always see her sweet smile. so i suppose some people do leave lasting impressions, because they've contributed something positive to someone or several.

but i'm tired of my life and don't have the strength right now to change anything. its beyond me right now. it is squashing whatever positive thing i had in seems to all be gone. i have to give of myself and not think of myself, because its the right thing to do for others, but its slowly erasing me and i fear that its permanent.

i only got 3 hours sleep last night, so today i was nodding off in my chair and i had a vivid image of driving on the highway and seeing my car veer off and hit the median, instantly i saw myself lifting off of my body and moving up - it felt so good, i can't describe it. i came to... not realizing for a slight second that it was the beginning of a dream. it felt good and so real.

i know this is morbid and frightening to some. i just think that someone should be able to communicate this without the need to explain too much or calling a stranger on a hotline. i've felt this before, i will feel it again, probably. i've never had, nor probably ever will have the courage (or cowardice) to do anything about it, so i allow myself to feel this depth of despair in the slight hopes that it will resolve itself, in one way or another.

anyway, goodnight.


Anonymous said...

Wow, you really have a nice way with words. Some might find it morbid, but I find it beautiful. Most of us have had these feelings, but not the ability or courage to diplay them in writting. You seem to have a great but busy mind. Thanks for sharing, I really did enjoy the writting...

Thanks--Chris Wilson

Amie said...

I too suffer from depression and had freq thoughts of my death. As a nurse, I am very conscious of the importance of someone who "has a plan", however, although I had thoughts of how to do it, I never seriously had a plan and I know I don't want to die. I just know the desperation that can take you to thinking it would be a better alternative. I can always advise you to seek help, and quickly, but I know for various reasons you probably won't do that.

Most importantly I would like for you to know that although we re in contact on a daily basis as we once were, finding your blog was a treasure and a delight for me. You are one of the few people from the old days I can say that about. I have freq been astounded by and would I would miss your talent, wit, intelligence, (and idiosyncracies).

Always in times of despair, find one person to reach out to, even if just to say I hurt.

Ana said...

Hi Amie,

Thank you for your words, I truly appreciate it.

The night I wrote this post was one of, if not the worst in all my years of dealing with depression. It seemed like everything crashed upon me. When I wrote it, I was actually better. I had been sobbing uncontrollably for about 3 hours, all sorts of horrible images in my mind. I couldn't escape them. I really wasn't sure if it would ever stop and at some point that heavy darkness lifted enough for me to be able to actually sit and write about it (I knew somehow it would help to purge those demons, if you will).

I've always dealt with my "stuff" through my art...I think its the only thing that keeps me semi-intact.