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Friday, December 14, 2007


every time i receive my art calendar or art journal magazines, i tend to just glance through them (particularly in my current mental state), because inevitably if i linger too long i find myself feeling inadequate and like a fraud, for calling myself an artist, when there are so many out there that are pursuing exhibitions, representation, etc. and i have little desire to do that, at the moment.

i cannot work on a daily or consistent basis. and when i have done something, its been on the computer. yes, i still have issues with calling this my art, because i feel i should be surrounded with materials, with paint under my fingernails and surrounded by deathly fumes.

ugh, i don't know. i'm not pursuing a professional career as an artist...so i might have to call this a hobby.

i just want so much to have the courage to declare myself an artist, but to do that don't you have to actually try to get others to view your work? whats that saying - if a tree falls in the forest and there's no one around, does it make a sound? (by the way, not to get off topic, but i read an interesting article about this very thing here)

do other artists go through this mental torture? i know they do.
what defines or makes an artist? if i'm constantly thinking about art, am i one? or just a daydreaming fool?
if all that i desire, is to be an artist, is that enough to qualify me, even if i'm having a bad spell?

too many questions, that i ask over and over without finding the solution. deep in my heart i know i'm an artist, who wants nothing more than to make art. but that's not enough. i need to desire showing and selling "it" and myself - and here is where my problem lies.

i'm just venting, because there is not an easy answer and if you have the answers, i'm probably not quite ready to hear them.

but i refuse to believe that this thing i'm going through is for not. it must have a purpose, which will reveal itself - hopefully within this lifetime.

anyway...here is another digital drawing that i did....in the meantime.





© "he had an idea, 1"

if i explain where this face came from, you are definitely going to think i'm crazy....but what the hell, you already might think it, so here goes.

ok, i was watching "the first 48" (i try to watch it whenever i can). i've always been fascinated with the details of a crime scene - morbid fascination, i know. when i was a psychology major and before i recognized i had the "art" curse - i thought i would go into forensic psychology and yes, i even thought i would join the fbi - who the hell was i back then?
anyway, i've also (and here is where the artist thing comes in) always been somewhat jealous of forensic artists - their ability to conjure up an identifiable face from a verbal description or skeletal remains - its just too frickin cool and requires amazing drawing abilities, of which i lack. so i was in my day-dreaming-pretending-to-be-a-forensic-artist-who-saves-
the-day state of mind, trying to draw a male face, with identifiable features and that wasn't similar to other faces that i've drawn from my head.

well, i suppose its the thought that counts, as it didn't quite happen.

although, he did start out (in the sketch phase - which i unfortunately didn't save) as having strong masculine features, but as i kept working on it (in the more painterly form), he started softening up, so now he's a girly man.

i'll just have to keep trying.


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