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Tuesday, February 12, 2008

this past week...

has been a particularly dark one, intermingled with a couple of gray moments....

warning: i might be a bit "rambly" ( yes i made up a word) [ramble].

that "wave" came over me again - its like an unexpected (and annoying) visitor that just refuses to leave no matter what hints you give. it has left me cloudy & unable to focus, i have no energy or desire to do anything but just sit and do that dreaded thinking i do.

i realize that i have definitely spent more time thinking than living.

when i'm in my metaphysical "where-do-we-belong- how-does-my-life-make-sense-in-the-big-scheme-of-it-all"
kind of mood, i often wonder if my "imagined life" can count or give me "life experience" points, to make up for my lackluster "real life".

probably not.

reincarnation has made sense to me ever since i was a little girl and i do believe that we are born over and over again to learn from our previous mistakes and to try and resolve all inner "demons", conflicts and issues, so that eventually we don't have to go through the painful stuff of life again. basically, life is a long, winding journey towards god. we're all "drops" of that big "ocean" and we must guide our lives so that the lessons and experiences eventually leave us purified enough to be able to join "him" again and not have to return. i'm not explaining this very eloquently, but its the gist of what i believe is true.

i suppose the definition above is just another way of chastising myself for basically wasting "this" life. so i'm gonna have to keep coming back and go through this shit all over again, lol. it would be nice if the "imagined life" scored some brownie points, though.
[anyone up there listening?...........yeah, i didn't think so].

anyway, i did do some gardening in the front yard and my balcony (gray moments) and now an unusually strong wind that we're having (at 3 am i had to go out to the balcony to tie up a wind chime, 'cause it was driving me nuts!) , is threatening to de-flower my newly planted petunias, etc.:

lavender petunias

yellow petunias and my bare bougainvillea

geraniums and petunias

my pink/white baby bougainvillea (its been blooming so nicely lately)

its all looking a bit bare right now.

newly potted plants cause great anxiety (well, for me), 'cause i always think they're not gonna make it or that they won't grow or bloom (but they always do, eventually). the process is very similar to starting a new painting...that blank surface is terrifying - i always think: "its just not going to happen, there is nothing left inside of me". then just to see something there, i make a line and eventually reacting to that line....i end up with something. its a mysterious process.

anyway #2, my hands have been doing something weird for the last week or so and its gotten me thinking about bad things. they have been hurting me and for the last 2-3 days they have been terribly weak. i mean, i can barely grip without shaking.
so yeah, great.
i wonder what that's all about. if i can't use my hands, i don't know what i'll do.

that leads me to anyway #3 and the impending thoughts of death that circle my head like vultures ready to feast (sorry for the morbidity). this is not the typical stuff, these latest imaginings come with fear and its weird. i haven't feared death or the idea of it, since i studied metaphysical and spiritual teachings (ages ago) and it sort of took that fear away. i realized that death is a part of life, its a cycle and we never die, because our souls are forever, etc. so where is this fear coming from? dunno. not just fear either, but an overwhelming sadness associated with the idea that if i'm gone, that's it. that the "me" that exists right now is forever lost, without having had the opportunity to develop into my best potential, without resolving my conflicts and closing old wounds...
ugh. i exhaust myself.
i guess it has to do with the un-lived life, etc. that if i didn't live my life as i could have, as i should have....that its wasted and i will not leave a mark. its like (how the hell do i explain this?) like i was invisible and didn't exist at all?

ok, enough about that....i obviously haven't learned a thing.

you see what i mean?

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