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Monday, March 31, 2008

wow...its been a while

its amazing and scary how time runs away from you. and for no particular reason. it just escapes and doesn't let you catch up to it.

it seems that all i ever do nowadays is reminisce and experience some form of regret.

i envy people who say, with conviction.."i don't regret anything, because everything was meant to happen", etc.
deep down, i also believe that to be true...but its the"me" on the surface that is struggling. sometimes its hard to access that "deeper" self, you know?

i use to be a person full of hopes and dreams. i've never been ambitious or greedy (i think) and my beliefs have always held me to the expectations that if i am a good person, then the universe will respond in kind and do good things for me - not anything extraordinary, just enough to keep me content...

but i've come to the conclusion that it doesn't work that way....at ALL.

or am i so jaded that i can't see the possibilities of miracles anymore?

i've definitely lost faith and hope (and obviously have no problem admitting it). is it a phase? it would be nice if it was. how does one restore faith? is that even possible? i can't see it now.

i know others have gotten through the worst of times (obviously i know that). perhaps not unscathed, but certainly stronger.


my fears are winning...they are powerful forces to be reckoned with and i don't have the strength right now to deal with any of them.

all i seem to do nowadays (apart from reminiscing and regretting) is make "stuff" that people don't want, lol.
its messed up.
i got so excited when i made the decision to do the etsy thing and now i'm wondering what i was thinking.

i know these are all things that i should probably be asking internally and not exposing it to the world (or actually the few who might read this), but i figure why hide it? i know it might bite me in the ass in the future, but...

how else am i going to get my "stuff" out? i decided years ago that the only way i can process things for myself is through my artwork and that means honesty. i can't see any other way to do it, because i am so good at self-sabotage, that if i keep it internal...eventually i will convince myself that i'm at fault and i will never resolve anything. i have to expose my vulnerabilities.

who knows, by doing it, maybe it will help someone who doesn't have any outlet for their issues.

i'm rambling, aren't i? ok, time to stop.

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