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Monday, July 28, 2008

i wish i could understand why this has been happening.

yes,"why me?"
typical question cowards pose when they can't figure out the truth for themselves and need someone else (whether human or divine) to step in and make it easier by providing the answer for them.

maybe i can't handle the truth (maybe he was right after all).

sometimes i feel like i'm becoming a person i barely recognize.
a hard shell - anger, sadness, resentment....
sprinkled with bouts of hope (shouldn't it be the other way around?)

i feel as if the me that i once thought could be someone important and make a difference in the world, has been replaced by this somewhat pathetic excuse for a human being that panics at the thought of stepping outside and into the world again.

how can someone regress so quickly?

time is running and i feel as if i will never be able to catch up with it. the dreams i had can't possibly be accomplished anymore, can they? i check things off my "to do" list, not because they're done, but because i feel that its too late now.

i find myself praying more...but how does one try to connect to their faith again, when they believe they are unworthy of divine intervention?

why do i feel unworthy? it would take a long time to explain that one.

i'm sorry to be such a rambling "debbie downer"...but this is part of me and to leave it out, would mean i'm denying that this is a very real thing i'm dealing with right now.

this affects me in every aspect of my life, especially as an artist, so i need to take advantage of ANY outlet I have to express myself and get this stuff out.

5 comments:

Livecreations said...

Hi,

just had to say I love your blog and those fish and turtles are cool, how did you do that?

I hope you are feeling better now.

Ive added you to the

http://art-blogging.blogspot.com/

thanks for including the reciporical links :)

maryeb said...

Saw you in an etsy thread. 'Join the bandwagon'. Ha, I still use that phrase on occasion.
You have a great looking blog. You're photos are nice and your posts are interesting.
I hope you're feeling better too, and thanks for sharing a bit of yourself.

Ana said...

Thank you Mary...I am feeling better Although today I have cramps! can you believe it, lol - it never ends!

Sometimes I feel that I share TOO much, but that's how I am. I need to process things externally so that I can understand what's going on.

T.Allen-Mercado said...

As a chronic rambler, I have to 1. applaud you for allowing yourself the vulnerability it takes to expose your thoughts and pain and 2.applaud you for (same as one...okay i'll take it) the courage to admit and accept that maybe you are a coward or rather brave beyond comprehension for the mere admission and acceptance of the possibility that you might be a coward. I said I was a rambler, yes?

Ana said...

thank you t.allen.
well, vulnerability and exposure is what my art is about, really...and because I see my blog as an extension of my work (or maybe just another medium) I feel free to let lose and have a "damn the consequences" attitude.