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Thursday, August 21, 2008

a little sobbing and a poem that doesn't want to reveal itself.

mourn the absence of the being
forever locked inside,
for the treacherous ambivalence
poisons every fiber.

escape eternal suffering,
which to you does not belong,
admit love was misguided,
not unconditional as you thought.

waste away but without warning,
in a world thriving with misery.
accompanied by darkness,
unfulfilled and unforgiving.

I don't really fully know what the heck the above means. It started in one direction and ended up well....you can read for yourself...it kind of makes no sense, right? Which I guess, makes perfect sense, since my mind is playing tricks again.

I have been dealing with great anguish, because I feel torn and displaced.
I don't belong here.
But then again...I don't really belong anywhere else either, do I?

I started sobbing (literally) when I watched the interview Charlie Rose did of Francesco Clemente, tonight. Not because I'm particularly a fan of Clemente's work, although it can sometimes be quite haunting (which naturally draws me in)...but more so because of the freedom he has to be an artist, in full force. I'm jealous of anyone who can do that, because its all I want for myself. Its what I've wanted for a long time, but...

"Ana, just do it" doesn't work, so don't even say it...don't even think it.

I'm stuck in this place right now, not just the house, city, state.
This place that is thick as molasses mixed with quicksand.
The place that sucks you in and doesn't let go.
Its not concrete, for I would be breaking away at it with my bare hands, if I could.
No, its in the most abstract form so nothing can be done, because you can't see it, hear it, smell it...you can only sense it.
The presence is palpable, but almost imaginary.

2 comments:

T.Allen-Mercado said...

Writing is art and doesn't have to make sense, it reveals itself differently to all who encounter it; subjectivity is beautiful.

As for belonging here, I don't belong here either I'm being held against my will by commitments that I made during a time I thought I wanted to belong. ((hugs))

Ana said...

Thank you Tameka,

Your comments are always so wonderful. I wish I had the fortitude to visit your blog and sites more often and to participate, as my old self would, but lately about all I can do is breathe... barely.

But I sincerely appreciate your input and spirit.
Thank you!
Hugs,
Ana